What anxiety means for me
I often feel that when I am having anxiety that it's a matter of time until my life as I know it will cease to exist.
Will I get a letter that tells me I owe some company tens of thousands of euros? Will I get diagnosed with terminal cancer today? Will my fiancee tell me that we have to seperate and live somewhere else from now on? Will the police come get me because I have been framed for something I didn't do? Or maybe I did do something?
Anxiety for me feels like when you can see a wave coming at you, and you know that you will drown, except the wave isn't there. It feels like being a deer caught in the headlights, except the car is in my imagination.
I can hear myself saying: This is it, this is where it all ends, but it never does.
In that moment, I want help, I need someone to comfort me, so I ask my friends, and immediatly feel like a bother, so I apologize, and they say I should stop apologizing, so I feel sorry for being sorry, I make matters worse by being alive. I wish they wouldn't have to put up with me. I am not worthy of their friendship.
Obviously, this is all in my head. When the anxiety attack is over I know that all of this was my imagination, but in that moment, I can hardly even convince myself that it's just a phase.
However, I have had anxiety attacks for all my life, and I know it does get better. Each year I know better that it will blow over, that it's just a matter of time and I have to listen to basket case from green day for a couple of hours until I feel better even though I dislike punk, but those lyrics describe me so well, and they are lighthearted and funny, so yeah.